If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
