why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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