Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
