I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
