he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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