don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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