I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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