So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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