I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
