that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
