I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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