i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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