i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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