I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
