Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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