My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize