if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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