i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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