i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
