Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
