Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
