The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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