Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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