Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
