there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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