I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
