if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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