Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
