If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's always time for handjobs
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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