found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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