Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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