so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
