Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
