Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize