smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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