do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
