i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
