worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
