Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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