i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
