I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
