i think i have two assholes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
