They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
