margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
