i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
