I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
