I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
