Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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