I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
