I puked a lego.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
