I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize