I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
