She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
