i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
