I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
