It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
