roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
