she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
